How To Shut Your Boss Up In One Sentence | Ulterior transaction analysis

Transactional analysis is not called that for nothing. When we look at how two ... It's the other ulterior transaction transactional analysis message that gets picked ... NowIwanttostartthispostbysayingyourbossisn’tallbad,ImeanweareinthelandofI’mOK,you’reOKright?Butithastobesaid,sometimes(s)hedoesgoonabit!Soit’sonlyrightthatwehelpoutandsaveabitoftimebytrimmingtheconversationsomewhat.I’msureyougetmydrift!Transactionalanalysisisnotcalledthatfornothing.Whenwelookathowtwopeoplearecommunicatingandbreakingitdownintoeachsingletransactiontoworkoutwhat’sgoingon,wecallthisTransactionalAnalysisProper.Iusethistechniqueconstantlywhenprovidingtherapy. Thispostisgoingtooutlinethedifferentwaysinwhichwetransactandhowwecanusethisinformationtomanagethetransactionswehave. What’stomanageyoumayask?Wellonceyouunderstandhowwecommunicatewithothersyouhavethepowertoprolongconversationsforaslongasyoulikeorstopthemdeadintheirtracks.Youwanttokeeptheconversationgoingwiththatgreatlookinggirl/guyattheparty?Noproblem!Youwantyourbosstogetoffyourbacksoyoucangetsomeworkdone?Justfollowtherulesandyourwishwillcometrue! Firstthehomework,ifyouhaven’treadthepostEgostatesUrgesandme–part1godothatnowbecausetounderstandwhatIwillbetalkingabouthereyou’regoingtohavetohaveabasicunderstandingofwhatanegostateis.Donethat?Good!Youhavemypermissiontoreadon……. Now thedefinitions. Atransactionis; “anexchangeofstrokesbetweentwopersonsconsistingofastimulusandaresponsebetweenspecificegostates”.(WoollamsandBrown,1978) EricBernecameupwiththerulesofcommunicationtohelpusunderstandthedifferentwaysinwhichwecantransactwitheachother.Soholdontoyourthinkinghatandlet’shavealookattheserules:   Whentransactionsarecomplimentarytheycangoonindefinitely.Whatdoesthismean? Well,whenwetalktosomeonefromourParentegostatewemaybeinvitingthemtorespondfromtheirChildegostate. Iftheydo,allwellandgood,theconversationcanprogress. AslongastheParent–Childdialoguecontinueswithoutanyshiftinegostatefromeitherpartytheconversationcangoonendlessly. Thismightlooklike…. A–“Sitdowninyourseat.” B–“Idon’twantto.” A–“Youwilldoasyouaretold.” B–“you’realwaystellingmeoff,Ididn’tdoanything.” A-    “Don’tanswermebackcheekyboy.” Etc,etc,etc Whyisthisusefultoknow?Ifyouareinasituationwhereyouwanttomakefriendsorfindoutmoreaboutsomeonethenkeepyourtransactionscomplementary. IftheyinviteanAdultresponse,respondfromyourAdult. IftheycomefromChild,playwiththemandcomefromyourChild. You’relikelytomakeagoodconnectioninthiswayandincreasethefriendlyfeelingstheotherpersonhastowardsyou.   Whentransactionsarecrossed,theconversationcannotprogress.So,whenJennyasksJim“howareyouandJimreplies“whydoyoucare?”there’snotreallyanywhereelsethatconversationcangowithoutoneoftheparticipantsshiftingegostate. TheAdultquestionhasbeencrossedwithaChildresponse–gameover. Itwouldbethesameinthefollowingexample: Pete–“You’relateagain! Youbettermakethetimeup!”(ControllingParentinvitingChildresponse) Paul–“Howdareyouspeaktomelikethat? Nevershoutatmeagain!”(ControllingParentresponse) It’slikelythatinthisexample,Petewouldberathertakenabackandprobablynotknowhowtorespond. HewouldhavetoreassessthesituationandeitherchangeegostatetoChild(saysorrymaybe)orpushoninParent.  Eitherwaytheconversationwillstopandstartinajerkyfashion. Whyisthisusefultoknow?Ifyouwantaconversationtostopthencrossthetransactionyouhavejustreceived. Beawarethoughthatyoumaypayfordoingthis. Yourrelationshipwiththepersonyouaretalkingtowillprobablysuffer. Anexceptiontothisiswhenyourespondtoatransactionwithintimacy. Action/feelingstatementsaregreatfordongthisandinviteintimacyfromtheotherperson. Thisthenisthekeytoshuttingthatbossofyoursup. Ifyouaregettingfedupoftheranting,justcrossthetransactionandwaitfortheconfusiontospreadacrosshisface–butbecareful,itmightbeaquickroutetothedolequeue!   InanUlteriortransaction,itisthepsychologicalmessagethatisheard.Anulteriortransactioniswhenwesayonethingbutmeananother. It’stheothermessagethatgetspickedup. Themostwellknownexampleis“wanttocomeinforcoffee?”afteranightoutwithanewpartner. Thatinviteisunlikelytobeaboutdiscussingtherichnessofamocha(unlessyou’reTomHanksin“Big”). Salesmenaregreatatusingulteriortransactions. “it’sveryexpensive”isagreatwayofclosingasalewithcustomers whohaveanissuearoundseemingcheap. Theywillheartheulterior“youcan’taffordit”andrespondfromChild,buyingtheitemtoprovethattheycan. Whyisthisusefultoknow?Whensomeonehasjustusedanulteriortransactionyouarelikelytohearthemessageandfeeltheulterior. Thisiswhereyourintuitionclicksin. Giveyourselfpermissiontolistentoyourintuition;itmayhelpyoudothingsthatareagainstyourinterest. Ifyouareasalesman,youcanusethistechniquetosellmorewidgets–doitethicallythougheh?! Knowingthethreerulesofcommunicationcanhelpgreatlywithgettingourmessageacrosstootherpeople. Theygiveusthepowertomanagecommunication,tostopconversationsthataren’tgoingthewaywewantthemtoandtobuildrelationshipssuccessfullywithothers. Whatdoyouthink? Gotanyexamplesofhowyoucouldusethesetechniques? Writedownyourideasandcommentsbelowsowecanchataboutthem🙂 Comments Thiswasaninterestingreadforme,especiallysinceI’venevertakenapsychologyclassorcourseinmyentirelifeandcouldprobablydobettertoimprovemyin-personcommunicationanddirectmarketingskills. Ithinkoneexampleofanulteriortransactionismaybewhenawomanasksthequestion,“Doesthismakemelookfat?”toherspouse.Ithink,inthiscase,themanimmediatelygetsthemessagethatsheisobviouslylookingforreassurancethatshelooksthinandstunning!lol HiElise–thanksforthecomment!Youarerightaboutthe“doIlookfatinthis?”question.ItisagreatexampleofanulteriortransactionandappearstobecomingfromAdultbutisfromChildthroughandthrough!Usmencringewhenwehearthatquestionbecauseweknowifwesaynoweget“you’rejustsayingthat”andgodhelpusifwesayyes! LovedElise’scomment!Ithinkthatinabeautifulrelationshipthemanwillbeabletotellwhetherhispartnerislackingconfidenceandmaybebeingtakenbacktochildhoodinsecuritiesof‘fittingin’andsointerceptsbysayinghowwonderfulshelooks(ifthat’sthecase)oraskwhysheseemsunsurebeforethedreadedquestion,thenhewouldsaythatifshewasunsurewhynotweartheotherstunningoutfitthatshealwayslookstrulyamazingin!Ifthatdoesn’texist,askachild!LOL🙂MydaughterALWAYStellsthetruthandpainfulasitis,Irespectherforit.Seriouslythoughitisimportant,IhavehadapromotionatworkandwillbedealingwithsomechallengingfolksoamseekingallthehelpIcanget!Havestartedreading‘Borntowin’whichIamloving,totallyfascinating. ThanksforthecommentJo.Iguessyouareexpectingalotfromyourmanthere!usmenhavethisuncannyabilitytomissthesesignals,andtroublecomesasaresult.Andyou’rerightaboutkids,ittakesthemafewyearstobeconditionedintosayingwhattheyareexpectedtosayratherthanwhattheyreallythink.Whenyouworkwiththemonadailybasislikewedoyouseethatwartsandall!Welldoneonyourpromotion–knock’emdead! Trackbacks […]TAtherapistmaylanguagethisaspickinguptheulteriortransactionsbetweenthecoupleandsupportingthemtosoftenandcathecttheirenergyfromtheChildegostate[…] LeaveaReplyCancelreplyYouremailaddresswillnotbepublished.Requiredfieldsaremarked*CommentName* Email* Website

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